Saturday, October 3, 2009

10 ways to destroy your own band

When musicians engage in blogocombat, it can get brutal. Here are some general observations, not necessarily about any specific band, that can help you gain the advantage. If you commit any of these errors, you have vulnerabilities that enemies may exploit.

In fact, these are sure-fire ways to self-destruct. Why sabotage your own band that has rehearsed and practiced and performed so hard? Do yourself a favor and avoid these gross mistakes!

On the other hand, if you're a pussy and feel like "it's not fun anymore, all the joy in music making is gone", then by all means, do these 10 things and your band will surely collapse into oblivion.

(1) Do a song called "Start The Killing" that is about killing all the politicians. The FBI, Secret Service, and Homeland Security won't like it.

(2) Sign your band to a label that features Satanic metal. God won't like it.

(3) Constantly refer to your band as "The Most Hated Band in Peoria", then whimper and whine when other bands actually do loathe and despise you. Fans will think you're a bunch of pussy farts.

(4) Let your bass player drink beer in your van as you drive to out-of-town gigs. Cops and MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving) won't like it.

(5) On your weekly live streaming video show, make fun of the Catholic church and refer to some "weird relationship" your lead singer had with his priest as a young boy, when a company that sponsors you is owned by the Catholic church and there are other dependencies on Catholic institutions. The Catholics won't like it.

(6) Call criticisms, innuendos, and advice "threats" and threaten to call an attorney to sue somebody for what you, in a deluded state of paranoia, consider to be "attacks". The judge won't like it.

(7) Refuse to perform live shows at real-world venues, due to your fear of audience reactions. Fans and your record company president won't like it.

(8) Make alliances with a bizarre demonic couple who spew filthy Hate Crimes Speech, quote Satanic song lyrics ("Satan protects me", "corpse sodomy", etc.), and make repeated death threats on a local music forum when defending you from honest, Free Speech criticisms and mild, playful teasing.

(9) Depend on someone to film your band at your rare live gigs, who then just sings along drunkenly to all your songs, and only gets 3 partial songs recorded with the palmcorder. Your band mates won't like it.

(10) Cry on the shoulder of a lunatic whenever someone hurts your super-sensitive feelings, and follow the drunken advice she gives you.


kelly said...

You have good tips!!

Have you ever thought of publishing an ebook?

steven edward streight said...

Thanks QuteQute aka Kelly. Yes I have thought about publishing via Lulu or a paid PDF. For now, I give free advice to attract paying clients.