Thursday, June 5, 2008
(1) Popularity Perplexion
The more people Following you (regardless of who they are), the more successful you are as a human being, writer, social networker, or whatever.
(2) Fickle Follower Delusion
When you lose a Follower, and especially a whole bunch of Followers, it's ONLY because you said something they didn't like, agree with, or approve of, or you posted way too many messages. Shame on you!
(3) Unthinking Subservience to the Big Question
"What are you doing now?" must be slavishly obeyed with such answers as "eating a tuna sandwich", "sitting at Denver International airport", or "trying to force Outlook to send an email", rather than stating what you're thinking or linking to at the moment.
(4) Opening & Closing Protocols
You must begin your Twitter session of the day with "Good morning Twitter buds" and end it with "Goodnight everybody, time to go to bed" like you're at summer camp.
(5) Error Message Validity Fetish
Stubbornly asserting that the Twitter error messages are true, and not just placebos to make you think they care (e.g. "Sorry about that. New features and improvements are coming soon!")
(6) Twitter Evolution Delirium
Groundlessly believing that someday Twitter will actually have new features and improvements, like Pownce-type file sharing, or Jaiku-type ability to reply to a specific message via comments.
(7) Re-tweeting Regression Syndrome
You submit a tweet, or click on Replies, or fire off a DM (private direct message), or other operation, and it fails, so you hit your Back button and try it again, until it works, thereby defying the Twitter Overlords and bringing bad karmic forces down on you for your insolent message-aggression.
(8) Hearts Image Dysfunction
You type in & hearts ; (no spaces between) -- but it doesn't render as a solid heart graphic (♥), for the recipient of the tweet or DM, so you think Twitter is not allowing you to flirt with that person.
(9) "Talk Like a Pirate Day" Non-compliance Curse
On the celebrated Talk Like a Pirate Day, a special Twitter holy day, you refuse to change your avatar to a pirate, and refuse to say things like "proud beauty", "shiver me timbers", "Davy Jones locker", and "arrrrr!", thus causing bad things to happen to you all day long.
(10) Twitter Avatar Sanctity Syndrome
Refusal to change your avatar, because you think nobody will know who you are, since they're so used to your former avatar, or you think the new avatar might frighten or confuse people and they'll hate you more than they already do.
(11) Virtual Hug Avoidance Dementia
Thinking that if a person gives you a virtual "hug", your wife or husband will find out and you'll be in divorce court, with your family and finances ripped to shreds.
Looking for hidden meanings in tweets that may not be directed to you, but you feel they secretly intended them for you. Or: not making a move, until you clear it with your Twitter pals and they authorize you to do it.
(13) Evaporatory Mis-tweeting Phobia
When a tweet vanishes, and fails to post, you fearfully assume that it's the Internets, the Universe, and the Big Bang, or maybe China, censoring you.