Your music is just noise

Pity the poor critic who wishes to befuddle themselves by saying to me: "Your music is shit. It's just noise."

I smile and ask, "What kind of noise are you referring to?"

I then present them with a drop-down menu of items from which to choose:

static interference

lossy data latencies

quantization quirks

din engines

cacophonic flotsam

detuning debacles

bent circuits

feedback loops

signal decay

maladaptive plug-ins

acoustic artifacts

reverberation shadows

.au format errors

metallic ringings

sonic anomolies

domain transform trauma

frequency masking mistakes

cassette mold distortions

wow & flutter wobblings

wrongful warblings

tape drag

magnetic hiss detritus

volume spikes

oxide particle build-up

disobedient Dolbies

pre-echo variants

drop-out desuetudes

delirious dithering

clip property disruptions

glitch intertwinings

asymmetric modulations

sound defilements

vinyl surface non-linearities

glissando impairments

peak clippings

entropy encoding flaws

Nyquist negations

Surround Sound codec corruptions

shift anisotropies

µ-law algorithm accidents

bad compandings.


They usually leave me alone after I pummel them with the list. It's my way of telling them to take a hike and pack a lunch.