Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Usability Analysis of Soccer the Unwatchable Sport

I do usability testing of websites, but why not usability test the sport of soccer? Let's make this quick, because it's very messy. Soccer is the most unwatchable spectacle in sport.

10 Things That Make Soccer Stupid:

1. Can't use hands.

2. Ball is kicked with poor precision.

3. Flopping.

4. Clock is never stopped, but nobody knows how much time is left.

5. So boring, nobody can watch the same game twice, since nothing actually happens except for the super rare scoring.

6. Games can end 0 - 0 and that's called a "tie." No, that's called Nothing Happened...or Nobody Tried Hard Enough.

7. No Substitutions rule.

8. Penalty kicks...just to end the game and let the fans go home.

9. Losing a game enables your team to advance, instead of being eliminated.

10. Butting the ball with your head makes you look like a moron.

Americans, to erase our individuality and make one homogenous world citizenry, are encouraged to "get into soccer." Those who watched some of the World Cup are probably more against soccer than ever. I think I'd rather by waterboarded by Dick Cheney than watch a soccer game.

I actually tried to watch World Cup Soccer yesterday. I made it to the 10 minute mark. I had to stop, due to total and complete boredom, ennui, jejune -- MISERY.

Nothing happened. A ball rolled around. A guy kicked the ball. Other guys tried to block it. Team members seemed to mostly have nothing to do. The ball rolled around some more, occasionally getting kicked.

Suddenly, the ball is kicked into the air. That's an interesting development. Another guy butted the ball WITH HIS HEAD. That's when I had to change the channel and watch something, anything, else. This "sport" looked more like the 3 stooges clowning around with a bunch of other dudes who didn't know what was going on.

In soccer, everyone looks confused and bored. I don't blame them. I've heard that you can go 90 minutes into watching a soccer game, and nothing happens, nobody scores.

Randall L Emert Sr. said recently, if you want to watch a bunch of guys trying (but failing) to score for 90 minutes, go to any local bar.

There is no strategy or teamwork. There is nothing but a human pinball machine. The ball is more exciting than the team players, but even the ball itself is lacklustre.

Soccer is the world's most popular sport -- but that convinces me, as usual, that the world is wrong and I'm right. Alcohol is the world's most popular drug -- but that doesn't make me sign up to be an alcoholic.

Soccer: a lot of disorganized fussing around with no reward.

“Soccer is like a war where two countries are fighting each other, yet neither of them has enough ammunition to actually do any damage.”

Soccer is not athletic and is not a sport. It's a recreational activity, like beach volleyball (which is far more vigorous) or shuffleboard.

I find a lot more excitement in golf or ping pong. At least baseball, as slow as it is, makes sense.

If you want a sport to watch, you have kurling, parkour, and lawn mower racing.

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