Thursday, April 3, 2014

25 Basic Rules for Selfies

Selfies are governed by rules you can learn and MUST OBEY. Selfies -- photos you take of yourself, by yourself, with your own camera -- are an unfortunate trend.

They were invented by the NSA to obtain up-to-date photos of US citizens, but are really the worst kind of photography. If you must post a selfie, here are some guidelines to make them less annoying.

1. Never in a bathroom, especially a public restroom. Nobody looks good with a toilet, urinal, or hand dryer behind them.

2. You don't need a mirror, you can point your camera at yourself.

3. Make sure there's no photobombing going on behind you.

4. Keep all your illegal or questionable items out of the shot.

5. Nobody wants to see a new photo of you every few hours or every day -- a few times a year is sufficient.

6. Keep your mouth closed. An open mouth tends to make people look dumb.

7. No V for Victory, middle finger, Shaka (Hawaiian "hang loose") gesture, heavy metal horned salute, or any other hand signs in an attempt to look cool or demonic.

8. No blurry shots made on cheap cell phone cameras.

9. No duck lips, bug eyes, fish cheeks, pouting, grimacing, or other facial contortions that make you look ugly or uneducated.

10. No dopey captions like "good morning," "good night," "bored," "tired," "sick as hell," "a moment before surgery," "found out I've got STDs," "at the gym," "happy birthday to me," "what's up?", etc.

11. Try to fix your hair and have good clothes on prior to taking the photo.

12. Don't have a bottle of beer in your hand unless you're looking for a bartending job.

13. Don't flash any gang signs unless you want to start a turf battle.

14. Never post a selfie just because you're bored and don't know what else to do.

15. Never post an unflattering photo of yourself, with messed up hair, smeared make-up, bad angles, double chins, bleeding shaving cuts, or spaghetti stains -- unless you're preparing to enter a hermitage and want to ward off any possible romance or friendships.

16. Never post a selfie with a joint or pot pipe in your mouth -- unless you're planning to open a medical cannabis dispensary.

17. Don't expect any Likes or comments on your selfie, especially if you post them relentlessly and carelessly.

18. No sexy selfies unless you're under 28 years old and have a really great physique.

19. No selfies at funerals, burials, car wrecks, homicide scenes, drug busts, or orgies.

20. No selfies around little children because you don't want to set a bad example for them, do you?

21. No filters or crazy colors because they tend to make you look old or like an extraterrestrial being.

22. No selfies with always the exact same look on your face, especially if that look is one of disgust, confusion, boredom, or pathetic neediness to be loved and admired.

23. Don't use an app to combine multiple selfies in a montage or sequence -- one image is about all we can handle.

24. No Justin Bieber, Miley Virus, or Lady Gag Me With a Spoon type poses.

25. Don't smile in every single selfie -- or we'll think you're massively dosed on sedatives and off in La La Land.

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