Saturday, December 20, 2014

More movie releases canceled by Hollywood

Due to the precedent established by the Sony Pictures hack and subsequent decision to not release "The Interview," more Hollywood executives have followed suit and halted the release of a rash of new and eagerly anticipated films.

Upcoming movie releases that have now been canceled:

How to Brainwash Your Dragon: canceled due to green technology environmentalist claims that fire breathing dragons cause global warming and should not be trained, hypnotized, or even allowed to exist.

Twilight of the Moon Orbiting the Planet of the Apes: canceled due to rumors that PETA fanatics threatened to show up in suicide vests -- or at least lime green leisure suits.

The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay Leno: canceled due to serious concerns about the possible jealousy of David Letterman, who resents the fact that no movie has ever had his name in it.

Enter Duller (sequel to Interstellar): canceled due to junk science related to rogue astronauts who travel through warped and worn-out worm holes to discover planets that are far more boring than planet Earth.

The Eggo Movie: canceled due to militant vegans threatening to stage Die Ins all over the USA in protest against building things with non-nutritive waffles (that were originally called "Froffles" -- a portmanteau of "frozen waffles") that smell and taste like real eggs or GMO derivatives.

Annie (Gets Her Gun and Kills a Rogue Cop): canceled due to concerns that racial unrest and militarized law enforcement might clash in peaceful but disconcerting confrontations where nobody's sure what rights anybody has.

Saving Private Ryan's Mom: cancelled immediately after theaters realized the entire film involved the concept of mothers who join their sons in war, which was very similar to terror, but with more rock music, beer, and flag waving.

The Theory of Nothing: canceled due to fears that astro-physicists would revolt in acts of unseemly immoral calculations when they found out the film focuses on Steven Hawking arguing with Richard Dawkins about whether we should worship a Magic Big Bang or an ancient pseudo-deity called Random Chance Operationus.

Forrest Gump in The Matrix Unloaded: canceled due to fears that activists who protest the unsympathetic portrayal of a mentally challenged person might use boxes of chocolates as dirty bombs in diabetes clinics.

Mrs. Doubtfire Returns (And Doubts Fire): cancelled due to junk science deniers related to piles of evidence that fire does indeed exist and had to have been invented by lab-coated technicians, plus reports about a creaking theater entrance door that sounded like a terrorist attack (even though Keith said he closed it quietly).

The Unequalizer: canceled due to the convoluted math involved that might cause Common Core to appear to be a Cuban plot to separate children from their parents, who still can't figure out New Math venn diagrams, modular arithmetic, algebraic inequalities, matrices, symbolic logic, Boolean algebra, and abstract algebra.

Batman & Robin Go to Disneyworld: cancelled by studio executives who found the pair looked too "romantically intertwined" which might provoke Westboro Church to bomb theatres or at least boo and hiss at those who stood in line to buy tickets.

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